Something I got today that hurt alot
Constructive criticism. We should talk about this. What do you think?
p.s. I have been meaning to talk to you about something. I don't feel
comfortable addressing it in front of Nat, so here goes.
You need to take a more active role in your outward relationship with
Nat. And I don't mean financial, or sexual or any of that crap I can't
see. I just mean in the part I can see.
When Laurie and I go out with you an Nat, you might as well not show
up. You just clam up and all I hear is endless discussions of Nat's
allegies or dolls or other things I have only a topical intrest in. I
don't mind that subject matter filtering in half the time, but when you
and her are together, that's all anyone can talk about BECAUSE YOU WONT
SAY A WORD!
I imagine the relationship is similar to the one that Laurie and I have
-- where I am Nat and you are Laurie (and that's not an insult, mind
you). I don't know how that applies to this complaint, but I thought
I'd throw it out there in an empathetic gesture.
Let me just retry to state my case a bit more bluntly. I want my friend
Kelly back. There. That pretty much sums it up. Right now my Kelly
fix comes via email and your blog (which is almost enough, mind you its
not like you and I have ever had a dialog heavy relationship).
Somewhere along the way of your pairing with Nat you have moved too much
in the background. Take a couple more steps towards the front of the
bus Kelly. Like I said on your blog: you are an interesting person.
p.p.s. I would worry that most people would read the above as a direct
attack on Nat, which it isn't. Its an attack on Kelly. But since you
are a fairly comprehensive reader, I'll assume you got that point. So
here is my Nat attack.
I am a critical person. It is what I am. I find fault in everyone and
everything. Nat can't take even the slightest hint of criticism. I
mean, she gets defensive even when I don't think I'm being critical. It
kind of stymies me. I'm afraid to open my mouth when she's around.
I want to be myself and grouse and complain and tease and jibe and all
the other stuff I do when someone doesn't take my opinion so seriously.
But I can't because Nat looks hurt whenever I say anything that she can
take slightly the wrong way. Get her to lighten up, will you?
p.p.p.s Ahhh, that felt good. And its not even Festivus yet.
Now I can tell you how this made me feel...but I will let everyone who reads this go by how they would feel getting this from their spouse. This was sent to Kelly from his best-friend.
p.s. I have been meaning to talk to you about something. I don't feel
comfortable addressing it in front of Nat, so here goes.
You need to take a more active role in your outward relationship with
Nat. And I don't mean financial, or sexual or any of that crap I can't
see. I just mean in the part I can see.
When Laurie and I go out with you an Nat, you might as well not show
up. You just clam up and all I hear is endless discussions of Nat's
allegies or dolls or other things I have only a topical intrest in. I
don't mind that subject matter filtering in half the time, but when you
and her are together, that's all anyone can talk about BECAUSE YOU WONT
SAY A WORD!
I imagine the relationship is similar to the one that Laurie and I have
-- where I am Nat and you are Laurie (and that's not an insult, mind
you). I don't know how that applies to this complaint, but I thought
I'd throw it out there in an empathetic gesture.
Let me just retry to state my case a bit more bluntly. I want my friend
Kelly back. There. That pretty much sums it up. Right now my Kelly
fix comes via email and your blog (which is almost enough, mind you its
not like you and I have ever had a dialog heavy relationship).
Somewhere along the way of your pairing with Nat you have moved too much
in the background. Take a couple more steps towards the front of the
bus Kelly. Like I said on your blog: you are an interesting person.
p.p.s. I would worry that most people would read the above as a direct
attack on Nat, which it isn't. Its an attack on Kelly. But since you
are a fairly comprehensive reader, I'll assume you got that point. So
here is my Nat attack.
I am a critical person. It is what I am. I find fault in everyone and
everything. Nat can't take even the slightest hint of criticism. I
mean, she gets defensive even when I don't think I'm being critical. It
kind of stymies me. I'm afraid to open my mouth when she's around.
I want to be myself and grouse and complain and tease and jibe and all
the other stuff I do when someone doesn't take my opinion so seriously.
But I can't because Nat looks hurt whenever I say anything that she can
take slightly the wrong way. Get her to lighten up, will you?
p.p.p.s Ahhh, that felt good. And its not even Festivus yet.
Now I can tell you how this made me feel...but I will let everyone who reads this go by how they would feel getting this from their spouse. This was sent to Kelly from his best-friend.
posted by Celtic Gypsy @ 19:05
4 Comments:
At 11:54 AM,
CyndyMW said…
I can see how that would hurt. If it's any consolation, it's because he cares about you guys and wants things to be in a way that the best of everybody comes through. He knows that Kelly and you bring out the best in each other, and he wants to see more of it. I don't know Adam, but I think he and I would have common values, based on what he posts.
There is one thing I would caution about the use of blogs for personal information. I mean this sincerely because I care, and I have never seen Kelly as happy as since he has been with you. I don't want anything to mess that up.
It may be more prudent not to post so much personal information on your blogs out of the interest of privacy. I say this for two reasons - for yourselves, and for your friends/family. First, readers of your blogs (and I can guarantee that anyone who reads Kelly's blog reads yours and vice-versa) know way too much about your relationships, both the good and the bad. I understand that blogging is a form of personal expression, and as such, you look for a forum where you can do that freely. I write in my blog for the very same reason. BUT when disagreements are illustrated through the comment chain (i.e. the cat discussion turned into "You never communicate with me"), those are things that I know I want kept private in my own relationships.
Here's an example of the bad that can happen: my friends John and Nora nearly broke up due to her posting personal things on her blog that his family found and turned out to embarrass them both. She went to GREAT lengths to make sure that no one would ever find it, and incidentally, it was my own accidental link to her blog from my own that caused the family to find the blog. Here's her full story: http://freebird68.blogspot.com/2005/08/end-of-my-blog.html. In any case, information posted on the internet carries the same weight as a story you tell someone in person over coffee. They're still together, but they came this close to breaking up. I don't want to see that happen to you and Kelly. The love you share is too rare to be broken by a careless mistake. No matter how well you know someone, you can NEVER KNOW how they will feel about what you write.
Second, your friends and family may be hurt by the things that are posted. Remember that they aren't secret. The detailed information about Julie botching the wedding shower may have hurt her a great deal to find on the blog. Never assume that even if you didn't give someone the link that they won't find it. Also, I noticed in the personal link from Kelly's best friend that he started off talking about how he wasn't comfortable addressing this in front of you. The fact that it's now posted on the net for him and the world to see means, at the very least, (a) that Kelly showed it to you when he wasn't supposed to, and (b) you posted it on the internet for everyone else to read, possibly embarrassing him.
This is not intended to launch any kind of attack, because I have utmost respect for anyone who makes my friend Kelly this happy. But from someone who has been blogging for a couple years and has personally almost witnessed a relationship of three years sabotaged by blogging, I hope that everyone would treat their blogs with the caution and care that you would any other personal conversation you have. For example, can you even decipher my boyfriend's name from my blog? No. He wished that he not be identified on there, and he isn't. This is your outlet to at least your friends, Kelly's friends (including Adam), both of your families, Kelly's co-workers, and anyone who happens to cross its path. Please treat this powerful tool with utmost care.
At 2:18 PM,
Celtic Gypsy said…
I always ask Kelly before I blog anything personal. Thank you for your input and opinion. It is good to know that you and everyone else really cares about Kelly as much as you all do. I am happy that he has such caring friends. I am a very open and blunt person, to a fault. I understand that anyone can read this. I do not believe in hiding feelings, opinions, etc. I do believe believe in hiding certain personal actions (and intimate thoughts and actions). I believe that the best way to strengthen (all) relationships is to communicate, like you just did with me. They say that the number one reason for break-ups (of all kinds of relationships) is lack of honest communication. It hurts to hear what other people say or think of me, but I would rather know the truth than have a fake friendship (or tolerance of each other). What he said hurt, but I learned from it. I would not have been able to learn from it had Kelly not told me. Now I understand that Adam is open and blunt like me (just not with me). I am hoping that we will be able to be more open and honest around each other. (I also figured that Adam knew that Kelly would tell me. We are getting married in a month and are very open with each other, as any life-couple are.
At 7:45 PM,
obiwanchunn said…
I was wondering where this went.
I expected it to show up on Kelly's blog and since I drift over here once every couple of weeks or so, I didn't see it until now.
Personally I think it is one of my finest works. You don't know how much better it made me feel to write that and send it to Kelly.
And yes, I wanted Kelly to show it to you Nat. I figured he would know how to take my complaint and express it to you. He could kinda be a surrogate Adam, if you will. (For the record, I will never confide something with Kelly that I will not expect to get back to you.)
[And this is a response to Cynthia]. Kelly has always said that I blog through him. I am not a private person, so having my stuff aired here is okee-dokee by me. I kinda like it.
[Back to Nat] That said, I am kinda shocked you were upset about it. It was mostly a grouse about Kelly, and a little grouse about your confidence. Sure, I guess the fuss about your conversation subject matter could sting a bit, but that is just because Kelly, was not adding *anything* to the mix. I'm fine with all sorts of conversation topics as long as they are mixed up. I kinda prefer a conversation smorgasbord, if you will.
This is where I am supposed to appologize for treading on your feelings, but since we are finally "opening up" with each other, I should't.
I think you and Kelly are great together. I am only nagging on the details.
At 8:20 PM,
Celtic Gypsy said…
What originally upset me was that the subject line (to me from Kelly) said, "What do you think? I think we need to talk." Then I read what you wrote. So I was already kind of upset, and let anything else get to me even more. You are a pretty cool guy. I can't wait to see all of you guys in your kilts and leather armor. (I really can't wait to see all of the women in their's. Both the ones in the Bridemaids dresses and the ones in the chainmaille.) I am going to really love showing off my wedding pictures. (I have the biggest smile just thinking of it.)
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